The thought of becoming a mother for the first or second or nth time leaves the a woman feeling scared, excited, or confused.  Well, who wouldn’t be?  That means changing few routines, adding more responsibilities, and resetting priorities.  Pregnancy and motherhood is something that every woman should be prepared of.  But suppose, the mother-to-be is not expecting it or doesn’t want it?  Some might consider abortion.  However, there’s another good option or solution.  That includes having the child adopted.  Now, there are also mothers who wanted to parent their child but were not given the capability or chance to do so.

Here are some of the cases that pushes a mother to consider adoption:

CASE 1: Teenage Pregnancy

The mother is yet in her teenage years and is definitely not prepared to parent a child.  This scenario is very common nowadays.   Lots of teenage girls get involved romantically and when they got pregnant, they easily get confused and afraid.  Usually, they’d think of having the baby aborted.  But then, she’d might be enlightened by the Holy Spirit and would just think of some other better option.  It might come up to her mind that she can bore the baby for nine months and look for a foster family.  She is still dependent on her family and obviously cannot raise a child on her own.  That would mean additional expenses that can’t be supported by her family or the birth father.  So she thinks that the least that she could do for her baby is to consider adoption.  Some couples would be very willing to have the baby for them.  They could raise him well and give him a better future.

CASE 2: Mothers Who Are Not Ready To Be Mother Again

There are women who discovered about their pregnancy but are not prepared for it.  The birth father is irresponsible while the mother, herself, finds it difficult to raise the child.  She has other children who needs her attention and support.  Having another individual might even ruin the hard-to-come-up budget.  The mother may be forced to let go of her child even if she has to go through a lot of heartaches.

CASE 3: Incapability To Raise The Child

The family has many members and father’s income is not enough to support another child.  The couple may then think having another family, couple, or a relative take care of the child.  Some couples or mothers believe that they could bear the pain of giving the child to someone else than seeing the child suffer and deprived of his needs.  There’s also a case wherein the mother is physically hindered to take good care of the baby.  She may be a handicapped so someone volunteer to adopt the child.

CASE 4: Absence Of Parents Or Concern Relatives

The birth parents may be away or no longer alive and no relative is around to adopt him.  Also, it could be that none of the child’s relative can promise to have him so they send him to an orphanage.

A child may be separated from his mother due to the mother’s negligence or the mother’s love.  A baby bore for nine months is not something easy to give and forget.  It’s a blessing every mother should treasure more than anything.  Who knows what irresponsible mothers would feel after abandoning their baby?  But any loving mother who decided to give out the baby for the his welfare is not subject to harsh judgments because it’s harder, if not hard, on her part to stay away from her child.

Suppose a baby is being adopted.  Probably he’d not be so much bothered with his origin as he grows old.  He’s still innocent when his mother negotiated with the stepparent and have him adopted.  Perhaps, the child wouldn’t even suspect.

How about being adopted on one’s toddler years, in his first two years on earth?  If the foster family is indeed responsible and good in treating him, then most probably, less or no problems are to be encountered.  And if problems really come, it is most likely manageable.

No matter at what age one was given to other person’s care, an individual would definitely search for his birth family.  It’s not that he doesn’t like the adoptive family even if they treated him well.  It’s just that he feels a need of knowing the people who are biological related to him.  His responsible foster family might have given him a name,  answer to his basic needs, and companionship.  However, it is but normal to feel the need of knowing his birth family.  He might experience fear, insecurity, or guilt.  But any loving foster family would be willing to be with him at this tough time in his life.  They proved to be supportive to him by doing the obligations that should have been done by his birth family.  There is a great possibility that they can assist him in his journey to discovering his “true” family.

The adopted individual would surely face a seemingly insurmountable fear.  He might be afraid of letting his foster family know his plan of wanting to meet his birth family.  He’s afraid in disappointing or hurting them, which is not always true.  It could be that the foster family has
prepared themselves about the matter or they’re open-minded enough to let him go and meet his long-lost kin.  Foster families take a significant role in this phase of the adoptee’s life.

The adoptee might have thought all this time that he’s been abandoned, unwanted, and rejected.  He may fear meeting his birth family and be rejected again.  But this fear shouldn’t and couldn’t stop the adoptee from searching them.  Time after time, he’d feel the same need of having answer to his questions.   He might also feel guilty of planning to pursue the search.  He might even find it awkward to ask his foster family.

In this quest, an adoptee needs a great amount of courage to face whatever has to be faced.  He needs the support, understanding, and unconditional love of his foster family to sustain him all throughout the entire search.

Being away from the ones true family or relatives is a sad experience one might undergo.  Though an ideal foster family helps a child and is really a great blessing, we can’t neglect the fact that knowing where you came from is one of a person’s need.   It may leave someone curious, feeling incomplete, confused, afraid, and feeling cheated or abandoned.  Let me then cite some of the hardships an adopted child might go through.  These are the following:

Attachment Disorder

This broad term pertains to the disorders of mood, behavior, and social relationships.  This problem is said to originate from the child’s early problem in forming normal attachments from the people immediately around him, such as the nannies.  So, as they grow old, they begin to have problematic social behaviors.

Child Abuse

An adopted child may be abused physically, sexually, or psychologically.

A physical abuse may include anything intentionally done to the child that caused or potentially cause him harm. A sexual abuse to a child happens when an adult does something like penetration, oral sex, and forced nudity.  On the other hand, psychological abuse done to a child involves belittling or shaming him, inappropriate and/or extreme punishment, and the withholding of affection towards him.

Incestuous Relationship

Leaving the adoptee unaware of his status as an adoptee might lead him marrying someone who happens to be his close relative.  This is such a disastrous way of finding out the truth.

Ignorance to Personal Historical Background

Our Social Studies teacher would often tell us that knowing the history of the our country and everything about it is a way of being a good citizen.  Just as it is necessary to know the previous events of ones country and as well as the persons who played a significant role, so it is in knowing ones parents, relatives, and important matters pertaining to the family.  It is a must for everybody, for the sake of ones completeness.  The child may be from a family with serious ailments or health problems, such as cancer, high blood, etc.  And knowing the child’s family background would truly help.

A good foster parent would care enough to assist his adoptee in facing, overcoming, or avoiding one of the said problems to happen.

Adopting a child is not a joke and it may be one of the toughest decisions one may come upon with.  Several factors must be taken into consideration before finalizing a decision to adopt a child:

1. Responsibilities you must perform

There is no escape to the obligations placed on  a foster parent’s shoulder.  Having a child, regardless of his age, makes a stepparent face lots of obligations.  If you plan to adopt a child, make sure you are willing and capable in providing his physical, financial, emotional,  and spiritual needs.

A child needs clothing, food and water, and a good shelter for his physical necessities.  And a shelter does not end up with a house.  It must also be a place that the child can call home.

A foster parent must  be financially stable.  The child needs formal education and has to be sent to school.  Everyday expenses such as allowance, transportation to school, school fees, and miscellaneous fees must be supported.

With regards to the child’s emotional needs, a foster parent must be sensitive in the child’s emotions, especially during the child’s first stay with them.   It might that the adopted feels awkward with the environment and the new faces around him.  A good foster parent sees to it that the child feels comfortable in his new home by welcoming him and getting him involve in almost everything that is going on in his new home.     This process, of course, takes time.

Another aspect would have to be the child’s spiritual growth.  What good will be for a child to be adopted in a place called “home”, when such “home” cannot guide him towards being a good-natured and God-fearing individual?    The stepparent must not forget this aspect.

2. Other members of the family

Usually, a couple may decide to adopt a child in their home because of their inability to have their own.  Thus, it would be easier for the child to adjust in this kind of place or home.   However, there are instances wherein  the said home may consist also with some family members like the couple’s child/children (if they already have a child of their own and still decide to adopt ), the stepparent’s brother(s) or sister(s), and his mother or father.   In this case, it is good if they’d be able to talk about this matter first and agree among themselves.  The other members of the family must also be willing to have a child living with them and be able to accept the child like one of their true relatives.

3. The child himself

Pretty sure, the child would be informed that someone is willing to have him in their home.  But the foster parent should cooperate with charity organization’s personnel in making the child understand about the change of environment he is about to go through.  Normally, the concept of adoption might cause the child to feel conscious, ashamed, or afraid.  So, the foster parent must show the child that there is nothing to be ashamed or be afraid of because the new home for him is safe and very much interested in having him.

4. The  person who plans to adopt

If he’s already certain in his decision, in his capability to support the child, and so also with the feelings and acceptance of the other members of the family, then he must ask himself as to how committed and determined he is to share his own self, time, and love to the child for the rest of his life.

These are just some of the aspects that has to be tackled before really getting into the job of parenting an adopted child. Adoption can be a difficult and tough transition experienced by the stepparent or the child if there is lack of planning before getting into the process.

A Blessing for Baby
Little One, the Lord loves you so…
He’ll be with you as you grow.
May He bless you in every way…
as you follow Him each day.
And may He keep you in His sight,
through the night.

SCRIPTURE:
The Lord bless you and keep you.
NUMBERS 6:24 ICB
Scripture taken from the International Children’s Bible 1986. Used by permission.

Product Details:
- Book Size 9 ½” x 14” x 5 ¼”
- Eyes and nose are embroidered
- 6 page soft book sewn to arm

By Helen Flores

MANILA, Philippines – Social Welfare Secretary Esperanza Cabral recently said the bill seeking to shorten the adoption process in the country, now ready for signing by President Arroyo, is expected to increase the number of Filipino children declared as legally free for adoption.

Child welfare advocates have also welcomed the recent passage of the bill in the bicameral conference committee.

Cabral said the bill simplifies rules for adopting children in the country and changes the process from judicial to administrative.

The measure seeks the transfer of cases involving the declaration of children legally available for adoption from the Family Court to the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD).

“We always maintain that there is no better environment for children than a family,” Cabral said in a press conference in Quezon City.

Gwendolyn Pimentel-Gana said it used to take three to five years before a child could be legally adopted, but with the amendment of the Domestic Adoption Act of 1995, the adoption process can be done in one to two years.

“In the administrative procedure, declaring a child legally free for adoption will take 24 days from the date of filing of petition with the DSWD, while in the court proceedings the process takes more than one year from the time of filing the petition until the Court releases the order declaring whether the child is an abandoned or neglected child,” Gana said.

Gana said most foster parents prefer infants.

“They want to adopt babies because they want to feel that they are the real parents,” she said.

John Boren, president of the Adopted Families Foundation, said that while he welcomed the approval of the bill by Congress, there is also a need to push for the lowering of fees of lawyers who handle adoption cases.

Boren, a foster parent, said if there is a group of lawyers who would charge lower fees, prominent and high caliber lawyers would be forced to reduce their professional payment.

He said when the bill is passed into law, foreigners like him will find it easier to adopt a child in the country.

The DSWD and child-caring agencies would also set up adoption help desks in SM malls to provide free consultation to prospective adoptive parents who want to seek advice on adoption procedures.

Adoption is child abuse, slavery and rape all combined into one pretty package and marketed to wealthy infertile couples.

The abuse that the adoptee suffers thoughout their lives comes in many forms.  As infants, they are separated from the only person they have ever known:  their mothers.  They are born into the world expecting to have the familiar scent of family and the warm voice they grew accustomed to in utero, and instead, they are handed over to strangers masquarating as “mommy” and “daddy.”  Because of the severing of the child’s most natural bond occurs at a time when the child cannot communicate his emotions and experiences, it is a trauma that will stay with him into adulthood.  Adopted people report to struggle with their identities as the legal lie that they are “as if born to” their adopters works better on paper than it does in the real world.

Adoptees are more likely to be physically and sexually abused.  One fact that the adoption industry would love to ignore is the fact that children are more likely to be abused by people other than their true parents.  This is really common sense.  Mothers have the primial instinct to care for their children and to ensure the survival of their family trees.  For true families, a baby is not valuable for profit but is living proof of the connection of the past and the future.  Parents have the instinct to protect their children.

However, the abuse of the adopted child ins’t the only crime against him.  Adoptees are stripped of their families, given new names and even false birth certificates make up a new generation of slaves in America.  Children are sold like miniture slaves.  Their birth records are alters to reflect the names of the adopters rather than their parents, and their true birth certificate is sealed away.  They are the only Americans who are denied to know their own name and the names of their parents.

Some are abused, tortured and killed at the hands of those who claim to love them.  Once a person has been stripped of their rights, taken from their family, and forced into an uncomfortable lie, there is no such thing as being fortunate.  In their adopters homes, children are the ones who are expected to do the care taking, to compensate for the babies the adopters couldn’t have, to fill the void in a marriage that has gone stale, or to guard the adopters from the harsh realities of the world.  Adoption’s smallest victims become slaves to the lies that surround them.  Denied of their true parents whereabouts, they have nowhare to run.  And they know what is expected of them to be “as if born to” their adopters, to act out the role they were purchased to play.

An estimation of 2% in U.S. population are adoptees or about 6 million Americans. Surveys state that a huge number of these adoptees and birth parents have, at some point, activly searched for biological parents or children separated by adoption. These people search for many different reasons, including medical knowledge, the desire to know more about the individual’s life, or a major life event, such as the death of an adoptive parent or the birth of a child. The most common reason given, however, is genetic curiosity – a desire to find what a birth parent or child looks like, their talents, and their personality.

Whatever your reasons for deciding to start an adoption search, it is important to realize that it will most likely be a difficult, emotional adventure, full of amazing highs and frustrating lows. Once you’re ready to undertake an adoption search, however, these steps will help you get started on the journey.

Beginning the Search
The first objective of an adoption search is to discover the names of the birth parents who gave you up for adoption, or the identity of the child you relinquished.

1. Just like a genealogy search, an adoption search should always begin with yourself. Write down everything you know about your birth and adoption, from the name of the hospital in which you were born to the agency which handled your adoption.

2. The best place to turn next, is your adoptive parents. They are the ones most likely to hold possible clues. Write down every bit of information they can provide, no matter how insignificant it may seem. If you feel comfortable, then you can also approach relatives and family friends with your questions.

3. Gather together all available documents. Ask your adoptive parents or contact the appropriate government official for documents such as an amended birth certificate, petition for adoption, and the final decree of adoption.

4. Contact the Agency or the State that handled your adoption for your non-identifying information. This non-identifying information will be released to the adoptee, adoptive parents, or birthparents, and may include clues to help you in your adoption search. The amount of information varies depending upon the details that were recorded at the time of the birth and adoption. Each agency, governed by state law and agency policy, releases what is considered appropriate and non-identifying, and may include details on the adoptee, adoptive parents, and birth parents such as:
* Medical history
* Health status
* Cause of and age at death
* Height, weight, eye, hair color
* Ethnic origins
* Level of education
* Professional achievement
* Religion

On some occasions, this non-identifying information may also include the parents ages at time of birth, the age and sex of other children, hobbies, general geographical location, and even the reasons for the adoption.

5. Register in State and National Reunion Registries, also known as Mutual Consent Registries, which are maintained by government or private individuals. These registries work by allowing each member of the adoption triad to register, hoping to be matched with someone else who might be searching for them. One of the best is the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR).

6. Join an adoption support group or mailing list. Beyond supplying much needed emotional support, adoption support groups can also provide you with information concerning current laws, new search techniques, and up-to-date information. Adoption search angels may also be available to assist with your adoption search.

7. If you’re very serious about your adoption search and have the financial resources (there is usually a substantial fee involved), consider petitioning for the services of a Confidential Intermediary (CI). Many states and provinces have instituted intermediary or search and consent systems to allow adoptees and birth parents the ability to contact each other through mutual consent. The CI is given access to the complete court and/or agency file and, using the information contained in it, attempts to locate the individuals. If and when contact is made by the intermediary, the person found is given the option of allowing or refusing contact by the party searching. The CI then reports the results to the court; if the contact has been refused that ends the matter. If the person located agrees to contact, the court will authorize the CI to give the name and current address of the person sought to the adoptee or birthparent. Check with the state in which your adoption occurred as to the availability of an Confidential Intermediary System.

Once you’ve identified the name and other identifying information on your birth parent or adoptee, your adoption search can be conducted in much the same way as any other people search investigation.

By Valerie Kay Gwin,    From  Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul

I tiptoed into your room one night.
I watched you sleeping there.
Your tiny body looked so snug
Wrapped in peaceful slumber’s care.

I thought of how you came to be
The child we’d longed to know.
I wondered at the sight of you:
“How could she let you go?”

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I
Felt the pain she must have known.
For I will have to let you go
Some day when you are grown.

A mother I might never meet
Had given me her son.
Yet, surely as you’ve filled my heart,
A piece of hers you’d won.

“How could she let you go?”
The question kept returning.
And in the depths of my own heart.
A question kept on burning.

“How can I ever let you go
When years have come and gone?”
I stood there by your crib until
The nighttime turned to dawn.

And as the sun peeked through the shades,
The voice of God broke through.
“I trusted her to give him life
And now I’m trusting to you.

“To show him what is right and wrong,
to love him and to be
The one who teaches him the way
To come back home to me.

“He wasn’t hers to give, you know.
And he’s not yours to own.
I’ve placed him in your life to love
But he is mine … on loan.”

For foster families who choose to adopt the child or children in their care, there are a number of ways to help these children make the emotional transition from being “a ward of the State or the Court” to being “a son or daughter” of specific parents. While parents may appreciate the difference in the child’s role within their family, children may not clearly comprehend the difference between being a foster child versus being an adopted child when they continue to live in the same family. There are specific things families can say and do to help children understand these differences. This factsheet describes:

* Talking with children about the changes
* Activities to help children understand their own history and background
* Helping children adjust to losses
* Helping children transfer attachments

Talking With Children About the Changes

In preparing to talk to children about the changes that occur with adoption, parents and other caring adults in children’s lives should remember to engage the child in the process and listen carefully to the words the child uses and to the questions the child asks. Questions about the birth family and their status may need to be addressed. It is important to always tell the truth – even if it is painful – and to validate the child’s experience and feelings. While these talks may bring up painful feelings for children, and for parents who love them, helping children to grieve can also help them to move on to a feeling of permanency in their foster/adoptive family.

Talks between parents and children about the differences in status within the foster family and the adoptive family will probably need to be repeated several times and in a variety of ways, so children can fully understand at their own level. It is best if these conversations take place when the parent and child are engaged in activities together. Adoption professional H. Craig-Oldsen offers the following suggestions for making these talks beneficial for the child:

Plan the discussion. In collaboration with the social worker, the parents should decide if they want to talk with the child first and have the social worker reinforce what was said in a later conversation, or if they would like to talk to the child together about the change from being in foster care to being adopted. Parents should be prepared to answer the child’s questions that may be raised by the discussion.

Help the child talk about the perceived difference in his or her own words. The parents should ask open-ended questions of the child such as, “How do you think being adopted will be different from being in foster care?” or “What do you think the biggest difference will be, when you’re adopted?”

Help the child draw analogies to something in the child’s own life. For instance, a parent might say, “This is like the time when . . . .”

There are a number of changes in status that will affect the child, and these should be discussed, depending on the child’s developmental level.

1. To help the child understand the legal differences between foster care and adoption, foster parents might talk about how the adoption court hearing is different from other court hearings the child might have remembered from foster care. Some parents may explain adoption by using marriage as an analogy. The court hearing is like the marriage ceremony, and the adoption certificate is like the marriage certificate that makes the relationship legal and permanent. (Parents who use this analogy should be prepared for questions about divorce, depending on the child’s experience.)

2. Older children who are aware of the foster care board payment or adoption assistance their parents receive might be helped to understand the financial differences inherent in foster care and adoption. These payments might be compared to a child’s allowance; older children may be able to understand the payments as costs to meet the child’s needs. Experienced adoptive parents note the importance of honesty, compassion, and developmental appropriateness in conversations with children regarding these issues.

3. To help children understand the parenting differences between foster care and adoption, parents might remind the child that when in foster care, the parents had to get a permission slip signed by an agency social worker to go on a field trip, spend the night at a friend’s house, or travel across State lines; now that their foster parents are their legal parents, the parents can sign permissions for these types of things without needing to go through an agency or court.