Where to Start

As a gay couple, you may not even be aware of how to begin. Here’s the first step all gay couples should take once they’ve decided to adopt a child: Do your research. You can also contact local gay and lesbian community groups for assistance on how to begin your search for a child in need of adoption.

Gay Adoption By State

There are some states in the nation that allow both single and joint adoption of children by gay couples. You should visit your state’s government website to get specific information, but in the meantime, these are the states that allow both single gay parents and gay couples to petition for adoption:

* California
* Colorado
* Connecticut
* District of Columbia
* Illinois
* Indiana
* Massachusetts
* New Jersey
* New York
* Oregon
* Vermont

How to Organize a Gay Adoption

The first step when deciding to adopt is to investigate the adoption laws of your state and country. The laws regarding gay and lesbian adoption vary from country to country. Most of Western Europe allowed gay couples to adopt, and many of the states in Canada and the US have laws allowing gay adoption. Only three states in Australia< allow gay adoption.

In the US, some courts have begun to apply a "best interest of the child" idea in deciding cases. Over 22 states have allowed gay and lesbian adoption of children through state-run adoption centres or private adoption agencies.

The next step in the process is to decide whether to go through state agencies or approach a private adoption agency. The state process involves a lot of red tape, but is guaranteed legal in every country.

Private adoption agencies can be expensive and it is important to ensure the adoptions are legal. Similarly, international adoption is possible, but very expensive. Check your country's adoption laws very carefully to ensure that as a gay couple you can bring a child into the country.

Gay couples have adopted children for a very long time through deception, but it is important to be absolutely honest in the adoption process. Assuring a legal adoption will keep your child safe. Even if you are unable to adopt as a same-sex couple, it may be possible for one partner to adopt and the other to have rights to the child as a stepchild. To estimate your chances of getting a gay adoption in your country, look at local gay adoption statistics.

Arguments Against Gay Adoption

The arguments against gay couples adopting all center on the idea that a child needs a mother and a father to grow up psychologically healthy. There has been no definitive research to show that a child with two loving same-sex parents will be less healthy than a child with two parents of the opposite sex.

Another argument put forward is the idea that a child growing up in a gay household will be more likely to be homosexual themselves. This idea is not based in fact, but is often supported by the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of the Child section that states a child has the right to be free of political influence.

Gay Adoption World-wide

Adoption by same-sex couples is not legal in most countries, even those who do offer gay marriage will not necessarily allow gay adoption. Couples should not be completely discouraged, however – as many gay rights support groups note, gay adoption has occurred for decades through single-parent adoption laws.
Couples looking into adoption in a country that does not allow gay adoption should carefully read all adoption legislation for loopholes. Use of such loopholes has resulted in the establishment of adoption laws in several countries as the law is tested.
Couples should always be careful to consult a lawyer before carrying out any plans, in order to ensure the legality of their adoption.

For a husband and a wife who remain childless their top option to refute their longing for a child is to adopt. Fear, however, comes their way upon going through an adoption. Conflicts arise between the adoptive parent and their non-biological child who become exasperated and depressed upon knowing that they are adopted. To reduce the pressure, here are some guidelines on how to handle the baby you hope to adopt.
The prevailing agreement among child experts is for adoptive parents to let their adopted child know about their adoption – and not other people. It is advisable that at age two or three is the best time telling him the reality about his status. This early telling is to be followed up periodically throughout his childhood. Studies reveal that in this way, negative reactions are minimized if adopted children are informed about their adoption before age five.
Keeping adoption a secret is difficult. Family members, relatives and friends could let it slip unintentionally. Or perhaps the adopted child discovers his true identity through his birth certificate, letters or other documents accidentally. Without firsthand information, this child might become irritated from the tease he hear from his friends and classmates, he might even get emotionally upset and disturbed, resulting in a strained parent-child relationship.
It is an obligation to adoptive parents to be open and honest so that the adopted can be free to discuss any topic regarding his adoption. When parents responses are dishonest and evasive, the child may think or sense something for worse than the truth.
Make your child understand that he didn’t come from your body but to someone else. Though it’s like that, tell him you want him and will always love him. You may not have the right answers to his questions, but remember that your emotional tone is as important as the words you say. Your feelings of love, understanding and respect have a greater impact on him.
To be adopted is a privilege. It means that one is desired, wanted and most of all loved. To adopt someone is a decision and that decision is not easy.

Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in “parent(s)” cares for minor children or young people who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority.

In most cases, children placed in foster care have been subjected to some form of abuse or neglect, and being removed from familiar surroundings is, in itself, usually highly traumatic. Children in foster care may have nightmares, problems sleeping or eating, and may be depressed, angry, and confused. Many young children in foster care are unable to understand why they have been taken from their parents. Even if a child is in some sense relieved to be out of a home that was dangerous, the child may still miss the parents or legal guardians, and may imagine that there is something he or she must do to get back to them. There is evidence that children from abusive and neglectful homes start to feel better in foster care; however, separation is almost always difficult for children, regardless of the circumstances.

The primary goal of foster care is family reunification. If this is not possible, then an alternative permanent plan is followed.

Reunification with a biological parent is when the child was temporarily removed from the home then reunited back with the biological parent when the state decides the conditions are suitable. This generally includes some older foster children who may be strongly bonded to their family of origin and unwilling to pursue adoption. It also may include cases where children are placed with grandparents or other relatives, where the placement is likely to be permanent but those relatives don’t want to fight the birth parents in court.

Foster parents have the responsibility of helping children and their parents achieve this goal. Foster parenting then, is not a lifetime commitment to a child/adolescent, but a commitment to be meaningful to a child’s lifetime. Foster care often means “families helping families.”

There are two kinds of foster care, the voluntary foster care and the involuntary foster care. Voluntary foster care may be utilized in circumstances where a parent is unable or unwilling to care for a child. For instance, a child may have behavioral problems requiring specialized treatment or the parent might have a problem which results in a temporary or permanent inability to care for the child(ren). Involuntary foster care may be implemented when a child is removed from their caregiver because it is believed such removal is necessary for his/her own safety. A foster parent receives monetary reimbursement from the placement agency for each child while the child is in his/her home to help cover the cost of meeting the child’s needs. The amount of financial assistance typically varies from state to state and even city to city.

The basic requirements for becoming a foster parent generally include that you:
• are 21 years of age, or older;
• are in good physical and emotional health;
• meet state and local requirements for housing safety, space and equipment;
• have the skills, attitude and stamina to effectively deal with the many behaviors and feelings displayed by children and youth;
• have a non-punitive attitude and can demonstrate some level of acceptance toward the birth parents of the children in care;
• can work cooperatively with the representatives of the Department of Human Services and other team members;
• are accepting of the temporary nature of foster care and can help a child transition back to his family or move on to a permanent or adoptive placement.
Children and youth may need foster care placements for a variety of reasons:
• they have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused;
• the physical or mental incapacity of their parents;
• they are abandoned;
• the drug, alcohol or other chemical abuse by their parent;
• the child’s behavioral or emotional problems; or,
• the separation, divorce or death of their parent(s).

Children and youth needing foster care placement come from a variety of social and economic backgrounds; from every race, religion and nationality – and every age from birth to young adulthood.
Half of all foster children spend as much as two years in foster care and are moved from placement to placement at least three times. This leads not only to uncertainty and lack of stability in the child’s life, but some of these placements may be inappropriate for the child’s specific circumstances. This often is due to the lack of qualified, licensed foster caregivers, but it can also occur as a result of inexperienced or overloaded caseworkers trying to get through their caseloads.
Foster care can be difficult for foster parents as well. A child who has been neglected or abused suffers psychological damage that may make him or her withdrawn, immature, aggressive, or otherwise difficult to reach. Children with severe medical and mental problems can tax caregivers. Foster placements sometimes fail because these surrogate parents simply cannot handle the demands of a troubled foster child.

THE ROLE OF THE FOSTER PARENT
How is foster parenting similar to parenting your own children?
• Provide daily care and supervision of a child
• Provide for child’s basic physical needs
• Work with schools, medical personnel, and other professionals
• Guide child’s development in all areas: physical, emotional, social, spiritual, etc.
• Provide structure, rules, and discipline
• Teach values and self-direction
• Model appropriate family relationships

How is foster parenting different from natural parenting?
• Must accept child at a variety of developmental levels which may not match his/her chronological age
• Must accept having only limited time working with the child
• Must accept agency/department involvement and responsibilities
• Must comply with certification standards
• Must keep records
• Must work with birth parents or family (if appropriate)
• Will be able to make only limited decisions
• Must respect confidentiality
• Must respect and nurture the child’s cultural, social and religious background
• Must report changes in family household to the agency
• Must be able to offer flexibility and follow though in caring out the objectives of the case plan (transportation, visitation, therapy, etc.)

How is foster parenting similar to a job?
• Have distinct duties and responsibilities
• Negotiates with “employer” (Department of Human Services)
• Held accountable
• Works with other professionals
• Keeps records
• Maintains confidentiality

How is foster parenting different from a job?
• Involves the entire family
• Requires warm environment, involving love and commitment
• “On duty” 24 hours a day/7 days a week/365 days a year
• Requires high level of job interpretation and autonomy

Unfortunately, the number of foster caregivers has been declining since the mid-1980s as the demand for placements has increased. States have responded by licensing responsible adults who were not married (even divorced men and women) and reaching out to seniors and children’s relatives. In some areas, single mothers make up a large proportion of foster parents.