open Adoption

During the early part of the 19th century, closed adoption was practiced due to social pressures.  Biological mother and adoptive parents were considered outcasts.  So any adoption taking place was kept secret.  However, today’s society is no longer that judgemental compared to those people before.

Unlike close adoption where everything about adoption is kept secret, open adoption is handing your child, your legal rights, and guardianship are transferred to the adoptive parents.

Open adoption may be disadvantageous to the adoptive parents’ side for it may mean:

1. Distraction

Yes, distraction because the biological mother or parents and the child might get to see each other and the child would have less bonding time for his adoptive parents.

2. Insecurity

The adoptive parents would feel less of being a parent to the child.  Knowing who his biological parents are, the child might look up more to his birth parents.

3. Fear of losing the child

The child might still want to be with his birth parents even if he is being relinquished by them.  He may miss them and long to have a family who has the same blood as he has.

But the bright of having the adoption open is:

1. Freedom from guilt

The adoptive parents can look at the adopted child straight in his eyes and tell him that every single thing about their family is open and no secrets were kept.

2. Trust from the child

Knowing that his adoptive parents are honest to him, especially about his adoption makes the child trust them.

3. More knowledge about the adopted child

In open adoption, more hereditary background about the child can be made known.  If the child’s birth family has this physical or mental problem, then the adoptive family knows how to handle or prevent the said problem.   Also, when asked by the child about his origin, the adoptive parents have ready answers.

4. Reduced fear about the birth mother’s intention

The adoptive family is aware of her intentions for the child because open communication between them makes the birth mother’s intentions known.

5. Establishment of good relationship to the birth parents

It is important for the adoptive parents to have a good relationship with the child’s birth parents.  This will make them comfortable  if ever their paths would come across each other.

Being open about the adoption that took place will give the adoptive parents from fear of being hated or mistrusted by the child.  On the other hand, it will make the child know his real self.

adoptive family

Closed Adoption is when a child’s custody is transferred to another couple or individual.  The said individuals would then serve as his new parent.  But the identity of his natural or biological parents are kept secret.  This would normally take place for infant/baby adoption.  Adopting adults or kids in their early childhood years would not apply to closed adoption.

The adoptive parents have their own reasons for choosing closed adoption.  Some of the reasons are:

1. Desire for an undivided attention from the child

Some adoptive parents feel insecure if the child knows his birth parents.  It could be that the child will equally divide his attention and love to his adoptive parent and biological parent.  They don’t want the child of think of other parent aside from them.  They demand the whole love and attention of the child.

2. Fear that the child may go back to his birth parents

The adopted child has been away from his birth parents and every child wants to know his real parent.    These facts would impose fear on the side of the adoptive couple.  What if he would choose to be with them?  His curiosity might push to meet his biological family which would eventually make him want to stay with them.  Any adoptive parent would be sad to have this happen.

3. Desire to make everything appear as natural and real

Some adoptive parents would like to make their parent-child relationship appear real and natural.  They don’t want their child to think that he came from a different family.   They don’t want him to bother them and himself by wondering and asking who were his real family.  They want the child to look up to them as if they were his birth father and mother.  That would make them feel more of being a mother and a father to him.

But in exchange for the fulfillment of the desires mentioned above, some drawbacks are take place.  These are:

*  Discomfort

Even though everything seems to be alright among them, there is still this fear that the adoptive child might know the truth.  Other people may come along the tell the adoption story to the adoptee.  Medical stuffs might accidentally reveal the biological difference between them, that might give hint to the child about his being adopted.

* The heavy feeling due to secrecy

Conscience bothers an adoptive parent.  This can’t be avoided especially if the child is expecting that every single thing is opened up to him.  That will hinder the adoptive parent their freedom – freedom from discomfort.  As long as something is kept secret between them, the parent-child relationship they have won’t totally prosper.  They would fear that someday they will destroy the trust and closeness they established with their adopted child.

Keeping the adoption a secret has disadvantages to the side of the adopted child like:

* Being cheated

Every individual has the right to know the truth, especially if it concerns him.  If adoption is sealed close, he will not have the opportunity to know his birth parents and his origin.  It is hardly fair for him making everything appear real and no secrets behind.

* Complications to the side of the child when closed adoption is revealed

Keeping secrets is hard.  What if the said closed adoption was accidentally made known to the child?  The child may even feel more unwanted by his birth parents.  Not communicating with him after the adoption might make him think that he is totally unloved by his biological parents.  This may affect his self-esteem and behavior.

In general, it’s never easy to choose between an open or close adoption.  People go for close adoption in order to protect some things or person.  However, when opting for close adoption, the birth and adoptive parents should be ready to face the consequences.

A child with special needs

Adoption is a good act, wherein you take responsibility of a child who is not actually your obligation.  It is a challenging task one could possibly hurdle.  But, additional responsibility, patience, dedication, and challenge would be required if you decide to adopt a child with special needs.

Because of the difficulty of the parenting a special child, adoptive parents would seldom choose to have a child with mental or physical disability.  Although some states would support the adoptive family by giving subsidy, it is still a huge task for them.

The Great Act of Helping the Child

There was once an author who said that adoption should never be done just to have a company throughout one’s life.  And I agree with her. Unrealistic as it may seem, but adoption should be done out of genuine love for the child.  And in considering child for adoption, one should not fail to see the children with exceptional or those with special needs.  Children with disabilities need more attention, acceptance, patience, and love.  Although the adoption centers can answer his needs, it is still different if someone would take him home and answer his basic, physical, and emotional needs.

Lessons/Values Realized by the Adoptive Parent and The Society As Well

Anyone who stands out from the crowd, courageous enough to accept the difficulties in raising a special child has brought up values and growth
for himself/herself.

The adoptive parent gets to learn some values from adopting the child. Some of the said values are patience, flexibility, dedication, bravery, and
unconditional love.

Such adoptive person is growing in a sense that he/she gets to take care of the special needs even if he/she can actually relinquish the responsibility and enjoy his personal life.   The people around who have known such deed would be inspired to do actions which require large amount of courage and commitment.

Caring For the Adopted Special Child

The adopted kid should be accepted warmly just like a child of your own.      The child should also be given the best possible care for he has special needs to be attended.  He should be provided with the necessary treatment, therapies, and developmental activities so that growth and development is still possible for him.

Many couples or individuals want to adopt a child because of shallow reasons which their to be paid back by the child once they grew up.   However, it is good and inspiring to know that  several adoptive parents accept the child and the responsibilities out of genuine love.  These are the individuals or couples who dared to adopt special children even if they knew that adopting them means lifetime service and obligations.

being adopted by a celebrity

Many children around the globe are in dire need to  be helped out.   Several individuals come along and volunteer to answer their needs.   One of the said individuals happen to be celebrities as in individuals who live in the spotlight.

Having an adoptive parent is one thing but having a celebrity adoptive parent is another thing.  Just how it feels to be  a child of a celebrity adoptive parent?

A child, who is being taken into one’s personal care, usually feels lucky for being chosen.  They were once abandoned or left out, but when the said adoptive parents came they once again  feel a sense of belongingness.   Of course, shyness is one of the primary feelings experienced by all adoptees.  The adoptive parents are people who are not connected to you in any way.  The thought of living with them and adopting to their lifestyle usually scares the child.  However, he will soon learn to live with it.  The said scary feeling will soon vanish.  No matter how many feelings intimidate the child, somehow he’d find excitement in him.  Whether the child is aware about being excited or not, excitement will surely suffice.  Now, what if the said adoptive parent is a star?  Someone being monitored by the people around particularly the fans.

Having an adoptive parent who is a celebrity is good because that means the adoptive parent has a sure way of making a living.  But we can’t lose sight of the fact that they’re lives are not totally private.  And being their part of their lives would also mean that you have to sacrifice a part or all your privacy.  Paparazzi would be going around if they see the celebrity’s family, which is also your family.  Then, what follows are click here and there, the meet and greet stuffs, etc.

In this case, only two things might happen: either the adoptive may able to adapt with the situation and will just eventually enjoy that way of life or he’ll find it difficult to live up to the life that his adoptive parent has.   Being featured just like his adoptive parent might make him insecure or intimidated.

There are a number of celebrities adopting kids around the globe.  There’s the famous celebrity couple, Angelina Jollie and Brad Pitt, Madonna, and many others.

The adoptive parent can very much help in comforting the adoptee in this case.  Prior to adoption, the parent and/or a counselor can discuss about the kind of life lived by the adoptive parent, the fun, and the stressful part of that kind of lifestyle.

birth parent vs. adoptive parent

Birth parents are the individuals who made the child.  The birth mother bore the child for nine months and risked her life when she gave birth to the baby.

Somewhere along the way, the birth parents considered adoption for some reasons like financial shortcomings.   So, the adoptive parents come in in the picture.  They are the individuals who volunteered to play the difficult role that should have been played by the birth parents.  They took care of the child, sent him to school, dressed him, provided him with nutritious foods, supported him financially, stood by him, and provided him the home he truly needs.

It seldom happens when a birth parent asks for the child back once the kid has already been adopted.  But, what if it happens?  How will the adopted child feel or react?  How about the adoptive parents?  Who should be chosen by the child?

This is again another tough circumstance to be faced by the child.  If the said adoption was legally done, as in with the presence of a lawyer, then the birth parent would just be up to barking against the adoptive individual.  A case like this is not encountered by adoptive parents who undergo legal proceedings, as in with the presence of a lawyer and all the papers needed to wit.   Suppose the said adoption was done verbally.  Adoption took place by mere talk and agreement via conversation.   Is it fair to the side of the adoptive parents to just take the child away from them?  They must have learned to love the child deeply.  They have set their minds and hearts of having the child as part of the family.   They are more or less used to having the child around.  Losing the adopted child might be like losing their own child.   The adoptive parents were there all along for the child, acting like a real parent and it wouldn’t be good to hurt them after all they’ve been through.

But, we can’t just ignore the birth parents.  They’ve been away from the child and that was indeed a sad thing to ever happen to them.  The real parents wants gain back the child.  All they want is to be given a chance to show him how much he means to them.

The primary in this scenario is the child, the adopted child.  How could they make him understand everything with less worry, confusion, and fear?   Does he really need to come up with a decision?  Will he ever think of a sound and fair decision?  When could he possibly make a choice between his adoptive parents and birth parents?  Does he really need to choose?

Most likely, adopted children chooses their adoptive parent because it was injected in their minds that the adoptive family is his home.  And a home is where an individual feels most comfortable.

a parent with the adopted children

An individual has three vocations namely, a married life, staying single, and entering the seminary.  Of the three, staying single can be considered as the most favorable vocation for adopting a child.

Most single individual, especially women, considers child adoption.   Children in their toddler or younger years are sought for adoption.
Here are some of the reasons on why single ladies prefer adoption:

1. While most women look forward to walking down the aisle, get married, and have family on their own, some prefer to stay single without a lifetime partner.  However, they want a child to have someone whom they can take care with and to whom they can express their motherly love.

2. Single individual want to have a companion in their life.  Someone has to be with them in the house.

3. Still, there are some women who feel the need of the needy children so they volunteer to have them as their own child.

Being a single adoptive parent has its advantages:

1. Even if you didn’t build a family of your own, you can still have someone to be with.

2. A single parent doesn’t have to consult a partner for her adoption decisions. She can decide about the adopted child’s gender, age, nationality, etc.  The decision is all up to that single individual.

3. A single parent can set her own rules for the child without the interference or objection from a partner.

4. She can have all the time and attention of the child.

Along with the advantages comes the drawbacks.  Here are some of the disadvantages in being a single parent:

1. She should shoulder all the expenses in bringing up the child.

2. She’ll solely deal with letting the child understand his present situation such as his being an adopted child, having only one parent without a father, etc.

3. She has to discipline the child all by herself.  Having a child makes a single parent an automatic disciplinarian.

4. She might encounter disapproval from her family or other relatives.

5. No one’s there to substitute her, in case she needs to get a break.

6. If ever she’ll decide to marry, she has to make sure that the child can be accepted by her partner.

All in all, it is a rewarding feeling to be a parent, regardless if the child is your own or not.  What matters most is that you treat the child like an angel from your own womb.  Being a single adoptive parent entails gargantuan obligations.  But, if a person is sincere in adopting the child, then she won’t feel sorry for herself even when faced with hardships in raising the child.

How would it be like being adopted by a relative?  Is there a whole lot of difference in adoption by relative and adoption by other people?  Can the adoptee feel the same loneliness in the adoption process?

Well, I guess the answers to these questions are subjective.  It depends upon the adoptee and the process of being separated from his birth family.   There are cases wherein relatives tend to agree among themselves in having this child stay with them.  So, child adoption takes place.  Adopting the child may be done by a casual talk.  There are also wherein a parent or a relative wants to legalize everything.  So, they may refer to an attorney and relevant papers are processed.   A written agreement will also work.

Why adopt from a relative?

Having a relative for good is beneficial in your part because you are able to help your relative who is in need.  The fact that they are putting the child under adoption makes it clear that they are having difficulty in taking care of the child.  One reason may be difficulty in raising him or in supporting his needs.  Another could be lack of time to have him.  Probably, nobody’s there to look after him.  This is the case for children whose parents are gone by accident resulting to death.

Adopting a child of the same blood is not too difficult.  The adoptive person doesn’t have to start their relationship from zero.  It may not be that hard for the child also, especially if they are close already.  It would indeed be favorable for the child because he’ll get to see his birth family often.  During family reunions, the whole clan would be there and the child doesn’t have to be reintroduced to another set of family.  He will still belong to the same clan and doesn’t have to adjust to whole lot new faces of relatives.

The adoptive family or parents knows the hereditarybackground of the adoptee.  They know what needs has to be attended, how to handle him, how he reacts, and other basic facts about the child.  The same is true with the child towards his stepparents. The adopted child is aware of the reactions, attitudes, and behavior of his foster family, which is actually his relatives.

The feeling of staying with a relative for good varies from one person to another.  Some adoptees may feel comfortable with their aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents.  They are so compatible that the adoptee prefers to be with them than their birth family.  Some of them may be so close with their biological family that choosing to be in their relative’s family is also hard.

Many factors urge a parent, particularly a mother, to have her child adopted.  Some can be considered valid.  Some are simply excuses.

A mother may find it really impossible to raise her child.  The father and mother may be financial challenged and supporting a child is absolutely difficult.

Another instance is teenage pregnancy.  The girl may want to give the baby under other person’s custody because her family cannot respond to the responsibilities or they can’t accept a new member whom they consider illegitimate.

It could be that the mother herself cannot accept the baby for some reasons.

Instead of just having the baby aborted, an alternative is considered.  And that is, the baby is born but should have to be given away to some individuals who are willing to accept and capable to support him.

And now the child grows.  During his toddler years, the isssue of having been adopted is not a big deal.  Then, he grows to his adolescent years.  It’s either the truth is divulged to him voluntary or is found out by him personally.  Either way, he would find himself curious, afraid, disappointed, or confused.

One of the many questions he’d be confronted with is how should he feel towards his birth parents.  Is their reason valid enough to make him feel better and just understand their decision of putting him under adoption?

Suppose his mother gave him away in order to ensure a bright future for him, should he still believe that he’s being loved by his parent and the said love is the main driving force that drove his parent to look for a possible foster parent who can provide him all his necessities?   It’s a tough scenario indeed.  I mean, how could he totally hate them when in fact they are also grieving for the loss of their child.   The parent, most especially the mother, is feeling guilty for not being responsible and capable enough to support his basic needs.  Well, no one could exactly tell the right reaction towards this issue.  But the most important things and people should be there to assist the emotional needs of the adoptee in these times of confusion.   A counseling or discussion between the adoptee and the foster parent, counselor, or the biological parents.  Some things would seem to be understandable or self-explanatory.  However, some words have to be heard directly from one’s mouth.  The adoptee must be given the answers and the truth about origin.    He may be that alright to accept the answers to his questions but that doesn’t mean it will be forever.

On the other hand, should he  just allow the hatred in his heart because it’s hard to control it and no amount of explanation seems to be enough to vanish the disappointment he has?  The adopted child may feel insecure.  Some of the adopted children would normally feel abandoned.  It’s usual for the adoptee to fear his meeting with his birth parents because they might be rejected again.  The child would possibly be disgusted, thinking how irresponsible or negligent his parent
were leading to his separation from them.

Despite all the intermingled feelings one may have, one can’t deny that among these mixed feelings is excitement.  It’s hard to be wondering about your birth family for ones entire life.  Upon deciding to see ones birth family, the adoptee might have positive or negative feeling.  But that would not hinder him of being excited.  The intense feeling is present in the adoptee knowing that he’d be able to see the face of his biological family.

Should the adoptee hate the biological parent?  Well, the adoptee would eventually answer such question after some time.  The time when wounds have been healed and reasons are fully absorbed by his mind.

Nowadays, it is possible to adopt a child from other countries.  This concept is what they commonly call transracial adoption.  This originated after the World War II.   Americans begun to adopt children for humanitarian reasons.

For this to happen, the would-be parent must comply to the conditions and adoption procedures of the country where the child belongs.

It is understood that such child has different set of practices or culture.    The adoptee’s culture is part of his self.  The adoptive family must recognize this aspect of the adoptee.  Now, the adoptee should be given the opportunity to express himself.

Several things can be done in order help the adoptee celebrate his cultural heritage:

1.    Bringing out conversations where the adoptive parent and adoptee can talk the later’s culture.

2.    One of  the adoptive family’s recreational activity may include watching TV shows and playing games coming from the adoptee’s country.  Thereby showing him his  culture.

3.    Cooking meals that are a specialty in the child’s country.

4.    Helping the child learn more about his country’s language.  The adoptive family  can even agree among themselves to speak the adoptee’s language oftentimes.   They can also teach the child some songs and dances originating from his birth     country.

5.    Once in a year, the family can visit the child’s country or place.   They can also visit museums and public libraries that would allow the child to know more about  his country’s historical background, location, and any other current events.

6.    They could also celebrate the significant events in the child’s country such as Independence Day, Halloween season, etc.

7.    Having books and other reading articles that talk about the adoptee’s country, country maps, national flag, pictures of the place, animals, and the citizens of his country may also be included.

Though he differs in cultural heritage, the adopted child must be assisted by his foster family in embracing his beginnings.  The child must be made to understand that cultural differences in their family is no big deal.  The child, at his young age, must be taught how to look back and remember his beginnings.  It is part of their responsibility.

Every adopted child goes into the so-called transition phase.   This is one of the crucial stage in his life wherein he must learn to live away from the family he used to have.  His former family may be the orphanage, a foster family, or his birth family.  The child in his young age must be helped out in this stage.  Somebody has to be there willing and able to understand his present undertaking and someone who can answer the most important questions about him, his former family, and the reason behind his being an adopted child.

The present foster/adoptive family can use stuffs that would serve as the child’s constant companion and would remind him of his journey in life-
starting from birth until the present.  These stuffs where suggested by experts to the child in his transition phase:

Lifebook - contains the story of his life which is represented by words, pictures, or documents.  This would include not just the events but also the relevant people and places in his life.

Lifemaps or lifepaths – is a visual representation of his journey in life. The age is highlighted and important events and the people who were with him at the age is mentioned.

The blanket and pillows he used to have in his stay with his former family – some people find it comforting to have continually get hold of something that reminds him about the comfort and goodness he used to experience with his former companion in life.

Aside from the things helpful in lessening the child’s despair, some talks between the foster parent and the child.  In some cases, foster parents seek the aid of counselors or psychologists who can help them explain everything to the child.

The foster parent must initiate the heart-to-heart talk with the adopted child.  The adoptive parent must also be open to any questions.  Also, they must have a ready answer.  Some couples/parents can ask the assistance of a counselor or psychologist in order to really have a successful process of dealing with the present sate of adoption, the transition phase.

The most important aspect in this phase would have to be the loving individuals willing to accept and support him.  The foster parent must show their willingness to accept him, including his past.  The child’s former caretaker can also be of great help.  The former caretaker must show that it’s another stage of his life that he must face and nothing should be feared about it.