a parent with the adopted children

An individual has three vocations namely, a married life, staying single, and entering the seminary.  Of the three, staying single can be considered as the most favorable vocation for adopting a child.

Most single individual, especially women, considers child adoption.   Children in their toddler or younger years are sought for adoption.
Here are some of the reasons on why single ladies prefer adoption:

1. While most women look forward to walking down the aisle, get married, and have family on their own, some prefer to stay single without a lifetime partner.  However, they want a child to have someone whom they can take care with and to whom they can express their motherly love.

2. Single individual want to have a companion in their life.  Someone has to be with them in the house.

3. Still, there are some women who feel the need of the needy children so they volunteer to have them as their own child.

Being a single adoptive parent has its advantages:

1. Even if you didn’t build a family of your own, you can still have someone to be with.

2. A single parent doesn’t have to consult a partner for her adoption decisions. She can decide about the adopted child’s gender, age, nationality, etc.  The decision is all up to that single individual.

3. A single parent can set her own rules for the child without the interference or objection from a partner.

4. She can have all the time and attention of the child.

Along with the advantages comes the drawbacks.  Here are some of the disadvantages in being a single parent:

1. She should shoulder all the expenses in bringing up the child.

2. She’ll solely deal with letting the child understand his present situation such as his being an adopted child, having only one parent without a father, etc.

3. She has to discipline the child all by herself.  Having a child makes a single parent an automatic disciplinarian.

4. She might encounter disapproval from her family or other relatives.

5. No one’s there to substitute her, in case she needs to get a break.

6. If ever she’ll decide to marry, she has to make sure that the child can be accepted by her partner.

All in all, it is a rewarding feeling to be a parent, regardless if the child is your own or not.  What matters most is that you treat the child like an angel from your own womb.  Being a single adoptive parent entails gargantuan obligations.  But, if a person is sincere in adopting the child, then she won’t feel sorry for herself even when faced with hardships in raising the child.

How would it be like being adopted by a relative?  Is there a whole lot of difference in adoption by relative and adoption by other people?  Can the adoptee feel the same loneliness in the adoption process?

Well, I guess the answers to these questions are subjective.  It depends upon the adoptee and the process of being separated from his birth family.   There are cases wherein relatives tend to agree among themselves in having this child stay with them.  So, child adoption takes place.  Adopting the child may be done by a casual talk.  There are also wherein a parent or a relative wants to legalize everything.  So, they may refer to an attorney and relevant papers are processed.   A written agreement will also work.

Why adopt from a relative?

Having a relative for good is beneficial in your part because you are able to help your relative who is in need.  The fact that they are putting the child under adoption makes it clear that they are having difficulty in taking care of the child.  One reason may be difficulty in raising him or in supporting his needs.  Another could be lack of time to have him.  Probably, nobody’s there to look after him.  This is the case for children whose parents are gone by accident resulting to death.

Adopting a child of the same blood is not too difficult.  The adoptive person doesn’t have to start their relationship from zero.  It may not be that hard for the child also, especially if they are close already.  It would indeed be favorable for the child because he’ll get to see his birth family often.  During family reunions, the whole clan would be there and the child doesn’t have to be reintroduced to another set of family.  He will still belong to the same clan and doesn’t have to adjust to whole lot new faces of relatives.

The adoptive family or parents knows the hereditarybackground of the adoptee.  They know what needs has to be attended, how to handle him, how he reacts, and other basic facts about the child.  The same is true with the child towards his stepparents. The adopted child is aware of the reactions, attitudes, and behavior of his foster family, which is actually his relatives.

The feeling of staying with a relative for good varies from one person to another.  Some adoptees may feel comfortable with their aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents.  They are so compatible that the adoptee prefers to be with them than their birth family.  Some of them may be so close with their biological family that choosing to be in their relative’s family is also hard.

Many factors urge a parent, particularly a mother, to have her child adopted.  Some can be considered valid.  Some are simply excuses.

A mother may find it really impossible to raise her child.  The father and mother may be financial challenged and supporting a child is absolutely difficult.

Another instance is teenage pregnancy.  The girl may want to give the baby under other person’s custody because her family cannot respond to the responsibilities or they can’t accept a new member whom they consider illegitimate.

It could be that the mother herself cannot accept the baby for some reasons.

Instead of just having the baby aborted, an alternative is considered.  And that is, the baby is born but should have to be given away to some individuals who are willing to accept and capable to support him.

And now the child grows.  During his toddler years, the isssue of having been adopted is not a big deal.  Then, he grows to his adolescent years.  It’s either the truth is divulged to him voluntary or is found out by him personally.  Either way, he would find himself curious, afraid, disappointed, or confused.

One of the many questions he’d be confronted with is how should he feel towards his birth parents.  Is their reason valid enough to make him feel better and just understand their decision of putting him under adoption?

Suppose his mother gave him away in order to ensure a bright future for him, should he still believe that he’s being loved by his parent and the said love is the main driving force that drove his parent to look for a possible foster parent who can provide him all his necessities?   It’s a tough scenario indeed.  I mean, how could he totally hate them when in fact they are also grieving for the loss of their child.   The parent, most especially the mother, is feeling guilty for not being responsible and capable enough to support his basic needs.  Well, no one could exactly tell the right reaction towards this issue.  But the most important things and people should be there to assist the emotional needs of the adoptee in these times of confusion.   A counseling or discussion between the adoptee and the foster parent, counselor, or the biological parents.  Some things would seem to be understandable or self-explanatory.  However, some words have to be heard directly from one’s mouth.  The adoptee must be given the answers and the truth about origin.    He may be that alright to accept the answers to his questions but that doesn’t mean it will be forever.

On the other hand, should he  just allow the hatred in his heart because it’s hard to control it and no amount of explanation seems to be enough to vanish the disappointment he has?  The adopted child may feel insecure.  Some of the adopted children would normally feel abandoned.  It’s usual for the adoptee to fear his meeting with his birth parents because they might be rejected again.  The child would possibly be disgusted, thinking how irresponsible or negligent his parent
were leading to his separation from them.

Despite all the intermingled feelings one may have, one can’t deny that among these mixed feelings is excitement.  It’s hard to be wondering about your birth family for ones entire life.  Upon deciding to see ones birth family, the adoptee might have positive or negative feeling.  But that would not hinder him of being excited.  The intense feeling is present in the adoptee knowing that he’d be able to see the face of his biological family.

Should the adoptee hate the biological parent?  Well, the adoptee would eventually answer such question after some time.  The time when wounds have been healed and reasons are fully absorbed by his mind.

Nowadays, it is possible to adopt a child from other countries.  This concept is what they commonly call transracial adoption.  This originated after the World War II.   Americans begun to adopt children for humanitarian reasons.

For this to happen, the would-be parent must comply to the conditions and adoption procedures of the country where the child belongs.

It is understood that such child has different set of practices or culture.    The adoptee’s culture is part of his self.  The adoptive family must recognize this aspect of the adoptee.  Now, the adoptee should be given the opportunity to express himself.

Several things can be done in order help the adoptee celebrate his cultural heritage:

1.    Bringing out conversations where the adoptive parent and adoptee can talk the later’s culture.

2.    One of  the adoptive family’s recreational activity may include watching TV shows and playing games coming from the adoptee’s country.  Thereby showing him his  culture.

3.    Cooking meals that are a specialty in the child’s country.

4.    Helping the child learn more about his country’s language.  The adoptive family  can even agree among themselves to speak the adoptee’s language oftentimes.   They can also teach the child some songs and dances originating from his birth     country.

5.    Once in a year, the family can visit the child’s country or place.   They can also visit museums and public libraries that would allow the child to know more about  his country’s historical background, location, and any other current events.

6.    They could also celebrate the significant events in the child’s country such as Independence Day, Halloween season, etc.

7.    Having books and other reading articles that talk about the adoptee’s country, country maps, national flag, pictures of the place, animals, and the citizens of his country may also be included.

Though he differs in cultural heritage, the adopted child must be assisted by his foster family in embracing his beginnings.  The child must be made to understand that cultural differences in their family is no big deal.  The child, at his young age, must be taught how to look back and remember his beginnings.  It is part of their responsibility.

Every adopted child goes into the so-called transition phase.   This is one of the crucial stage in his life wherein he must learn to live away from the family he used to have.  His former family may be the orphanage, a foster family, or his birth family.  The child in his young age must be helped out in this stage.  Somebody has to be there willing and able to understand his present undertaking and someone who can answer the most important questions about him, his former family, and the reason behind his being an adopted child.

The present foster/adoptive family can use stuffs that would serve as the child’s constant companion and would remind him of his journey in life-
starting from birth until the present.  These stuffs where suggested by experts to the child in his transition phase:

Lifebook - contains the story of his life which is represented by words, pictures, or documents.  This would include not just the events but also the relevant people and places in his life.

Lifemaps or lifepaths – is a visual representation of his journey in life. The age is highlighted and important events and the people who were with him at the age is mentioned.

The blanket and pillows he used to have in his stay with his former family – some people find it comforting to have continually get hold of something that reminds him about the comfort and goodness he used to experience with his former companion in life.

Aside from the things helpful in lessening the child’s despair, some talks between the foster parent and the child.  In some cases, foster parents seek the aid of counselors or psychologists who can help them explain everything to the child.

The foster parent must initiate the heart-to-heart talk with the adopted child.  The adoptive parent must also be open to any questions.  Also, they must have a ready answer.  Some couples/parents can ask the assistance of a counselor or psychologist in order to really have a successful process of dealing with the present sate of adoption, the transition phase.

The most important aspect in this phase would have to be the loving individuals willing to accept and support him.  The foster parent must show their willingness to accept him, including his past.  The child’s former caretaker can also be of great help.  The former caretaker must show that it’s another stage of his life that he must face and nothing should be feared about it.

The Philippines is one of the many countries with child abandonment cases. These angels are intentionally or unintentionally left by their guardians.  Well, the good news is that, the government in general and the government agencies in particular are taking care of them.  However, there are so many of them that they can’t be handle by the personnel and even volunteer individuals.  Also, they can’t commit to a long-term custody for the children.   The children needs to be in a place they can truly call home.  So, they negotiate with some couples or individual who are willing to have a child of their own.  Now, to avoid possible problems and to ensure the child’s welfare, some steps have to be followed in order to make the adoption process possible and legal.

Although there are various criteria set by some countries regarding the adoption of a child, the Philippine government takes the following into consideration in order to consider a child a candidate for adoption:

1. The child must be a minor. If he/she is already 18, adoption is only granted if the adopters are his/her natural parents.

2. A foreign child cannot be adopted by a Filipino, unless his country has diplomatic ties with the Phippine government.

3. A child who was once adopted is no longer available for adoption, unless his first adoption was repealed or rescinded.

Possible adopters should be:

1.    A Filipino citizen of legal age, emotionally and psychologically capable of caring for the child, has good moral character, has not been convicted of any crime involving moral turpitude, and has the capacity to support the child’s basic needs. An age gap is also observed between the adoptee and the adopter. The adopter must be 16 years older than the adoptee. An exemption to the rule is considered when the adopter is the natural parent or a spouse of the adoptee’s parent.

2.   Any alien who has the qualifications mentioned above provided that:

a) His country has diplomatic ties with the Philippine government.

b) He’s been living in the Philippines for three consecutive years prior to the filing of the petition for adoption.

c) He has been certified by his diplomatic or consular office or any appropriate government agency to have the legal capacity to adopt in his country.

d) The adopter’s government allows the adoptee to enter his country as his adopted child.

This said criteria may be waived for some reasons.

The Philippine government is also passing laws regarding adoption. Some of the said laws are:

RA 9523

AN ACT REQUIRING CERTIFICATION OF THE DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL WELFARE AND DEVELOPMENT (DSWD) TO DECLARE A “CHILD LEGALLY AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION” AS A PREREQUISITE FOR ADOPTION PROCEEDINGS, AMENDING FOR THIS PURPOSE CERTAIN PROVISIONS OF REPUBLIC ACT NO. 8552, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE DOMESTIC ADOPTION ACT OF 1998, REPUBLIC ACT NO. 8043, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE INTER-COUNTRY ADOPTION ACT OF 1995, PRESIDENTIAL DECREE NO. 603, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE CHILD AND YOUTH WELFARE CODE, AND FOR OTHER PURPOSES

RA 8043

AN ACT ESTABLISHING THE RULES TO GOVERN INTER-COUNTRY ADOPTION OF FILIPINO CHILDREN, AND FOR OTHER PURPOSES

PD 603

THE CHILD AND WELFARE CODE

The government fully understands the child’s need of belonging to a certain family. But they see to it that these kids will be in good hands.   So, they pass on criteria for possible adopters.   They are also after the harmonious relationship between adopter and the adoptee and tries to make every adoption process run smooth.

The thought of becoming a mother for the first or second or nth time leaves the a woman feeling scared, excited, or confused.  Well, who wouldn’t be?  That means changing few routines, adding more responsibilities, and resetting priorities.  Pregnancy and motherhood is something that every woman should be prepared of.  But suppose, the mother-to-be is not expecting it or doesn’t want it?  Some might consider abortion.  However, there’s another good option or solution.  That includes having the child adopted.  Now, there are also mothers who wanted to parent their child but were not given the capability or chance to do so.

Here are some of the cases that pushes a mother to consider adoption:

CASE 1: Teenage Pregnancy

The mother is yet in her teenage years and is definitely not prepared to parent a child.  This scenario is very common nowadays.   Lots of teenage girls get involved romantically and when they got pregnant, they easily get confused and afraid.  Usually, they’d think of having the baby aborted.  But then, she’d might be enlightened by the Holy Spirit and would just think of some other better option.  It might come up to her mind that she can bore the baby for nine months and look for a foster family.  She is still dependent on her family and obviously cannot raise a child on her own.  That would mean additional expenses that can’t be supported by her family or the birth father.  So she thinks that the least that she could do for her baby is to consider adoption.  Some couples would be very willing to have the baby for them.  They could raise him well and give him a better future.

CASE 2: Mothers Who Are Not Ready To Be Mother Again

There are women who discovered about their pregnancy but are not prepared for it.  The birth father is irresponsible while the mother, herself, finds it difficult to raise the child.  She has other children who needs her attention and support.  Having another individual might even ruin the hard-to-come-up budget.  The mother may be forced to let go of her child even if she has to go through a lot of heartaches.

CASE 3: Incapability To Raise The Child

The family has many members and father’s income is not enough to support another child.  The couple may then think having another family, couple, or a relative take care of the child.  Some couples or mothers believe that they could bear the pain of giving the child to someone else than seeing the child suffer and deprived of his needs.  There’s also a case wherein the mother is physically hindered to take good care of the baby.  She may be a handicapped so someone volunteer to adopt the child.

CASE 4: Absence Of Parents Or Concern Relatives

The birth parents may be away or no longer alive and no relative is around to adopt him.  Also, it could be that none of the child’s relative can promise to have him so they send him to an orphanage.

A child may be separated from his mother due to the mother’s negligence or the mother’s love.  A baby bore for nine months is not something easy to give and forget.  It’s a blessing every mother should treasure more than anything.  Who knows what irresponsible mothers would feel after abandoning their baby?  But any loving mother who decided to give out the baby for the his welfare is not subject to harsh judgments because it’s harder, if not hard, on her part to stay away from her child.

Suppose a baby is being adopted.  Probably he’d not be so much bothered with his origin as he grows old.  He’s still innocent when his mother negotiated with the stepparent and have him adopted.  Perhaps, the child wouldn’t even suspect.

How about being adopted on one’s toddler years, in his first two years on earth?  If the foster family is indeed responsible and good in treating him, then most probably, less or no problems are to be encountered.  And if problems really come, it is most likely manageable.

No matter at what age one was given to other person’s care, an individual would definitely search for his birth family.  It’s not that he doesn’t like the adoptive family even if they treated him well.  It’s just that he feels a need of knowing the people who are biological related to him.  His responsible foster family might have given him a name,  answer to his basic needs, and companionship.  However, it is but normal to feel the need of knowing his birth family.  He might experience fear, insecurity, or guilt.  But any loving foster family would be willing to be with him at this tough time in his life.  They proved to be supportive to him by doing the obligations that should have been done by his birth family.  There is a great possibility that they can assist him in his journey to discovering his “true” family.

The adopted individual would surely face a seemingly insurmountable fear.  He might be afraid of letting his foster family know his plan of wanting to meet his birth family.  He’s afraid in disappointing or hurting them, which is not always true.  It could be that the foster family has
prepared themselves about the matter or they’re open-minded enough to let him go and meet his long-lost kin.  Foster families take a significant role in this phase of the adoptee’s life.

The adoptee might have thought all this time that he’s been abandoned, unwanted, and rejected.  He may fear meeting his birth family and be rejected again.  But this fear shouldn’t and couldn’t stop the adoptee from searching them.  Time after time, he’d feel the same need of having answer to his questions.   He might also feel guilty of planning to pursue the search.  He might even find it awkward to ask his foster family.

In this quest, an adoptee needs a great amount of courage to face whatever has to be faced.  He needs the support, understanding, and unconditional love of his foster family to sustain him all throughout the entire search.

Being away from the ones true family or relatives is a sad experience one might undergo.  Though an ideal foster family helps a child and is really a great blessing, we can’t neglect the fact that knowing where you came from is one of a person’s need.   It may leave someone curious, feeling incomplete, confused, afraid, and feeling cheated or abandoned.  Let me then cite some of the hardships an adopted child might go through.  These are the following:

Attachment Disorder

This broad term pertains to the disorders of mood, behavior, and social relationships.  This problem is said to originate from the child’s early problem in forming normal attachments from the people immediately around him, such as the nannies.  So, as they grow old, they begin to have problematic social behaviors.

Child Abuse

An adopted child may be abused physically, sexually, or psychologically.

A physical abuse may include anything intentionally done to the child that caused or potentially cause him harm. A sexual abuse to a child happens when an adult does something like penetration, oral sex, and forced nudity.  On the other hand, psychological abuse done to a child involves belittling or shaming him, inappropriate and/or extreme punishment, and the withholding of affection towards him.

Incestuous Relationship

Leaving the adoptee unaware of his status as an adoptee might lead him marrying someone who happens to be his close relative.  This is such a disastrous way of finding out the truth.

Ignorance to Personal Historical Background

Our Social Studies teacher would often tell us that knowing the history of the our country and everything about it is a way of being a good citizen.  Just as it is necessary to know the previous events of ones country and as well as the persons who played a significant role, so it is in knowing ones parents, relatives, and important matters pertaining to the family.  It is a must for everybody, for the sake of ones completeness.  The child may be from a family with serious ailments or health problems, such as cancer, high blood, etc.  And knowing the child’s family background would truly help.

A good foster parent would care enough to assist his adoptee in facing, overcoming, or avoiding one of the said problems to happen.

Adopting a child is not a joke and it may be one of the toughest decisions one may come upon with.  Several factors must be taken into consideration before finalizing a decision to adopt a child:

1. Responsibilities you must perform

There is no escape to the obligations placed on  a foster parent’s shoulder.  Having a child, regardless of his age, makes a stepparent face lots of obligations.  If you plan to adopt a child, make sure you are willing and capable in providing his physical, financial, emotional,  and spiritual needs.

A child needs clothing, food and water, and a good shelter for his physical necessities.  And a shelter does not end up with a house.  It must also be a place that the child can call home.

A foster parent must  be financially stable.  The child needs formal education and has to be sent to school.  Everyday expenses such as allowance, transportation to school, school fees, and miscellaneous fees must be supported.

With regards to the child’s emotional needs, a foster parent must be sensitive in the child’s emotions, especially during the child’s first stay with them.   It might that the adopted feels awkward with the environment and the new faces around him.  A good foster parent sees to it that the child feels comfortable in his new home by welcoming him and getting him involve in almost everything that is going on in his new home.     This process, of course, takes time.

Another aspect would have to be the child’s spiritual growth.  What good will be for a child to be adopted in a place called “home”, when such “home” cannot guide him towards being a good-natured and God-fearing individual?    The stepparent must not forget this aspect.

2. Other members of the family

Usually, a couple may decide to adopt a child in their home because of their inability to have their own.  Thus, it would be easier for the child to adjust in this kind of place or home.   However, there are instances wherein  the said home may consist also with some family members like the couple’s child/children (if they already have a child of their own and still decide to adopt ), the stepparent’s brother(s) or sister(s), and his mother or father.   In this case, it is good if they’d be able to talk about this matter first and agree among themselves.  The other members of the family must also be willing to have a child living with them and be able to accept the child like one of their true relatives.

3. The child himself

Pretty sure, the child would be informed that someone is willing to have him in their home.  But the foster parent should cooperate with charity organization’s personnel in making the child understand about the change of environment he is about to go through.  Normally, the concept of adoption might cause the child to feel conscious, ashamed, or afraid.  So, the foster parent must show the child that there is nothing to be ashamed or be afraid of because the new home for him is safe and very much interested in having him.

4. The  person who plans to adopt

If he’s already certain in his decision, in his capability to support the child, and so also with the feelings and acceptance of the other members of the family, then he must ask himself as to how committed and determined he is to share his own self, time, and love to the child for the rest of his life.

These are just some of the aspects that has to be tackled before really getting into the job of parenting an adopted child. Adoption can be a difficult and tough transition experienced by the stepparent or the child if there is lack of planning before getting into the process.